I was a DJ in college at UW and I used to go to shows all the time; I live and die by my IPod and whether inspired by euphoria or crisis, I still make mix tapes—or playlists if you want to get technical about it. Some people go to church, I go to ITunes.
Today I stumbled across a song in my ITunes library from this band Late Tuesday I used to go see whenever I had the opportunity. They’re from Bellingham, the town where my boyfriend went to college, and while I suspect those lovely ladies went their separate ways years ago, it is profoundly appropriate that I’m listening to the song “I Must Go” as I’m sitting here delving into spreadsheets and to-do lists, trying to figure out how my finances will shake out over the next few months. What can I say? I’m nothing if not a planner at heart. One night last week, I couldn’t fall asleep and I found myself calculating in my head the number of nights I have left to enjoy sleeping next to my boyfriend before he leaves for Orange County. There are 55 nights on the paper-chain countdown in my head as of now. Based on the fact that I get choked up every time I think about it, it’s no stretch to say I’m planning ahead to miss him a hell of a lot.
Out of the 7 years we’ve been together now, I’ve spent nearly 4 of them coming home to him. Home…it’s odd that after 29 years of using Webster’s definition of that word, my interpretation has evolved a lot lately and not just because I’m making plans to trade my glorious city of grey for the polar opposite city of Orange.
Friends have called me freakishly domestic with how attached I am to my dwelling and I can’t say I blame them. I’ve built furniture, painted apartment walls, and replaced cabinet handles to make even a lowly rental *just* how I want it. You’d think I was buying with how picky I am about apartments. Still, in one way or another–I’ve been enamored with all the places I’ve lived here in Seattle.
I love everything about my home–from the stuff I have on the walls, to the neighborhood I live in, to the place we have brunch when nursing a hangover, to my pea-patch, to the fact that when I park just a bit further away from my office I get to walk by two places we used to live. I love that family is nearby but far enough away and I love that I don’t have to get in the car to get to a grocery store or a park or a kick-ass burger joint.
The life we’ve built here is pretty great by all accounts and I don’t really want to leave, but the more I think about him leaving for grad school, the more I realize that my home isn’t just 4 walls and some mod decor in a part of town I like; he’s home to me, the sanctuary that I want to come home to when I’ve had my ass handed to me by the world at large. I don’t think I’ve come right out and said it like that to him yet; I probably should.
We did the long distance thing for awhile in college and back then, it worked out really well. I had all my time to myself and when we did get to see each other, it was the best. Driving just a couple hours outside the city to see him for a weekend felt like a vacation to me because all the stuff that was waiting for me back in Seattle, the drama-ridden roommate, my nightmare student debt situation, the 2 (sometimes 3) part-time jobs I was juggling to pay the rent–it all went away when I was with him.
I’m planning on joining him in Orange eventually, I just don’t know when or how exactly. My hope is for after the 1st of the year, but I have to get a job in Orange County before I make that transition and I really want to take a step forward career-wise if I’m going to make the move. It’ll be hard leaving Seattle, but it’d be way harder to have my partner building a new life in Orange without me. Orange must become my new grey, at least for a little while.
So yeah, that song “I Must Go”—pretty appropriate for me today. A taste of the lyrics for those who are curious:
Time flies, when you’re having fun
And it’s flown too quickly for me
For my time has arrived,
The day has come, the day I must leave
Where I’ll go, I cannot very know
All I see is the road at my feet
(Chorus)
I must go
I must leave this place
I have somewhere to go; I have a new road to follow
I must go, though I wish I could stay
There is something beyond what I see
I must go…
Though I feel like I’m losing myself,
As I fear leaving all this behind me
I will not, I will not lose my faith
As I go, for my fears will be vanished in time
And I know, I know that I will be fine
(Chorus)
I will not forget you,
I could not forget you
Even though I cannot be by your side
Life’s course has brought us to this place
And tomorrow we must embrace
The sick joy in this bittersweet
Goodbye, goodbye
(Chorus)
